Handy man? removal man? Nope, I’m seriously loving being self employed and making my own money but its not what I want to do forever. Plus I’m not making any where near the money I wanted to. Don’t get me wrong money does not rule my world at all. I hate the stuff and what it is, but we need it, my kids need it, my fiancée needs it!! I need a little bit as well.
So plans are in motion, I got several things in my head and several possibility’s but its got to be enjoyable, fun and more importantly viable. I’m done publishing my ideas though. Me and Lisa had plans to get into sign language, we really went down the road as well, but in the end it was too much risk up front and we simply couldn’t afford to risk the money. So they are all staying private until we get them off the ground. Well some of them, some of them will remain private because much as I like sharing my life to you all, its good to keep some things back, and then some of them are just too naughty to publish anyway.
I want more than anything to work with Lisa, I love her with all my heart and feel at my best when I’m in her company. Lisa however has a Career, a very good career but one that’s far from ideal for us and I’m sure she would love to leave. But you can’t just walk away from a good career, especially when your the main earner. Then I got two excellent mates that I call my brothers that I would also love to work with, one has also got a career. One has got the C word!!!! Children, two of them. So his hands are tied like mine.
So what do you do?? Dunno, its tough, I suppose that if I was in possession of a nice lump sum of money my choices would get far far easier and I would make a go of something. If I won a lot of money then life would get seriously more easy. Don’t get me wrong I’m not under the illusion that money brings you happiness, far from it. I’m a trainee Buddhist, I know it wont. But I would be able to do so much good with that money you wouldn’t believe, for starters it would buy me time and freedom. Time and freedom from the responsibility’s of this western world I was born into that would enable me to help so many people. Sounds like Bull I know but I seriously can’t think of anything I’d rather do. I’ve always loved helping others and have always been good at it.
I enjoyed my brief experience of personal protection, but unless you have done a stint out of the civil sector or you already have a well know client on board your not really taken seriously. Even so I would love to get back into it one day.
Teaching, yes, teaching self defence now that’s got my interest plus I’ve got a public service background in it. Again it takes money and serious time, but that’s well and truly on the cards and I’ve got some ideas. However my back needs serious time and work to get it back to full strength to enable me to get back on the mats to a point where I could stand before students with confidence.
So my dilemma at the moment is to just keep plodding on until something breaks or changes and to keep chipping away at this and that till I find something I can really make work.
The one thing I don’t miss at all, not in the slightest is watching my life slowly drip drip drip drip away. Clocking on and clocking off working for an employer that couldn’t give a fuck about me and in fact spent every waking minute hell bent in trying to put me and those around me in as much danger as possible. Watching a Job I once really loved being de-skilled away to just tapping away on a keyboard doing a worthless task and turning keys in big heavy doors. In fact most of my last years wages of £28 odd grand went on me standing around and watching prisoners collect free medicine three times a day from a hatch and watching the same said prisoners wander round and round and round an excersie yard. Knowing full well that if anything happened, like they past drugs or summit we were helpless to do anything about it because the governors wanted everything hush hush. Drugs being found meant there were gangs, gangs brought organised problems, organised problems meant government targets were not being met, un-met targets meant governors lost there jobs or were moved to the Russian front. Oh no wait, that was the Nazis . . . . . but similar. They were shouted at and harassed and lost sucky la la brownie points. Most of the governors I worked for in the end were all so petrified of loosing these brown nose points that they would literally sell their soul in front of your very eyes in order to get things covered over. In fact that right wasn’t just left to Governors, people I called friends sold me out for no other reason than to make sure they scored a B point here and there. In fact one of them was someone I called a brother.
I’ve only got 11 people I felt close enough to in my life so far to say that they were real brothers in my life. We were In the big fight all working together against the same enemy etc etc, these are men I dedicated my life too. If I call you my brother then I’m there for you 24 hours a day 7 days a week. You and your family, I do anything for you, whatever you asked, whenever you asked it. You are an honoury family member but someone I would fight along side with and if you said jump I would have already jumped before asking how high. I still remain that person to my brothers where ever you are but now the list is 7. One of those men who I respected and looked up to decided to become a Frenemie! He decided even tho I felt I did everything in my power to protect him, In fact my first thought always went to making sure he was covered whilst dealing with my injury, he decided to turn in secret and stab me in my back on an email he never thought I would see. But luckily for me I did see it! Cut me to my core, but I’m glad I saw that email, else I probably wouldn’t know to this day what he was doing.
Things like that hurt like hell, I’m not pretending it doesn’t. I got thick skin, very thick. Most shit just rolls away, but when you’ve put your neck out there in someone’s hands that you trust with your life and they completely go out of their way to unnecessarily make a point of furthering their own career with bosses that couldn’t give a whatnot about you. That’s when life gives you a little nudge to say, “oi oi fella, your not as clever as you thought are you”.
So mark it up on the board, another life experience and lets move on . . . . . . but where next?? Where next indeed??