Child 3.1

My wife is currently “With Child”

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I’m currently 3.1 in the child stakes, I genuinely must be mad, 4 children, really!! My wife is totally of the opinion that I don’t want another child, probably because I’ve been saying as much since poppy came thundering into our lives, with all sorts of medical pregnancy complications and the preceding 4 years and 324 days total handling nightmare that she has been, and while I love her for the independent nightmare she is, she often leaves us exhausted. Not only that, children are so very expensive, as my friend at work goes to great lengths to point out, quarter of a million pound expensive per child! The truth is of course that if you ever stopped to work out the cost of a child you would never have one, so I just must except that I’m probably never going to be able to afford that beach hut in the med and be happy with my lot.

So the wife thinks I really don’t want another child, so why didn’t I just say no? Well you can’t can you? and of course I’m not going to say no, why would I deprive the woman I love with her wish to have 2 children, no way. Why was I a little reluctant to have another. I think its the thought of the crying, and the dirty nappies, and the tiredness, and the crying and the dirty nappies, yeah mainly crying, tiredness and dirty nappies. I’m also 40, and not showing any signs of getting younger or slimmer, so that’s a contributing factor as well.

However, sitting there in the hospital, next to the woman I love at our first scan, her top pulled up and cold wet jelly applied to her belly, and what can only be described as a computer mouse type thing rolling over her tummy, providing us with our first image of the little human we have created. A black and white grainy image instantly recognised throughout the world. Its at this point that its all very real, and its at this point that its difficult to deny that once again, I am filled with immense pride, and, I am in love.

We are not quite at the 16 weeks stage, but both of us are desperate to find out what we are having. Lisa is sure its a boy as so many people have told her over the years that she will have a boy. But I hate to tell her that its definitely going to be a girl. Well I think so anyway, plus this will help with sleeping arrangements further down the line, this might just be the practical me wishing however. Lisa hates baby boys clothes anyway so what good will a boy be.

So through all the moaning and crying (on my part) I am going to be a father again, and the truth is I can’t wait, even though I just can’t ever see a time when I’m going to ever experience true, peace and quiet ever again.

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Dedicated to Searching

Dedicated to Searching

Ten years served under her majesty’s crown as a prison officer, trained from day one, in the art of searching. Searching cells, rooms, open areas. Ten years of active searching, missing stuff, finding stuff, the cat and mouse game of chess, the offender with time on his hands, time to plan, scheme, plot. Then in my last year of service came the dedicated search team, the higher level of prison security search team training, taught by experts that have spent years perfecting their field of expertise. Explosive devices, weapons, adapted weapons, drugs, contraband of every description hidden in all manner of places.

I have searched in cavity’s no man should ever have to look in, searching for things you wouldn’t believe fit into those cavity’s . .

Little did I realise that in retirement from the service, in peace time, on civvie street, in my own home . . . I would need these skills again!
For I have . . . ((a daughter)) . . . and damn it, she is testing my very searching skills to the ends of her Little Tikes premium cooking creations wood kitchen and matching accessories set . . . She’s good damn it, but I won’t be beaten, I’ll find every set of car keys, earrings and mummy’s anti children medication she try’s to conceal up dollies skirts and and in between the pages of the Gruffalo . . I remain unbeaten presently but am unsure of how long this victory will hold, I simply can’t afford to lose, the thought of being stood on my doorway one morning dressed ready for work and suddenly noticing I have no car keys is too much to cope with at 6 in the morning.

Little Tykes, how could you, you’ve basically created an inmates dream, a self contained, concealment paradise without the security bolts and anti tamper head screw tops. The fridge is currently her favourite stash hole, however the microwave and dishwasher have all been used in the past to squirrel away nabbed goodies. I’m already thinking ahead to the possibility’s involved in the matching salt, pepper and spice accessory pots.

I shouldn’t moan of course, this is only the beginning I’m sure, I’ve looked around the room and realised that Little Tykes is just the training ground for the real world. My house is just a big version of all things little tykes. Boys by the way, I can cope with, I have experience of boys, I was one after all. I hid stuff, sometimes not so well. I’m reminded of 10 B&H and a green lighter, oh and a pen Knife I stuck into my bookshelf before being promptly distracted by my mates calling round for me and then running out the door and forgetting all about them. I can still hear my Dad shouting for me out the window, the sudden realisation of what I had done slowly dawning on me, before the long walk back home.

Any one with tips help or advice for the future would be greatly appreciated . . . Prison life just didn’t prepare me for this level of skulduggery!

You don’t need empathy to support a depressed person

When a friend was hospitalized for appendicitis, people flocked to visit him at the hospital. When I was clinically depressed, some who knew it avoided me like the plague. But I completely understand — it’s natural for us to be afraid of the unfamiliar, including unfamiliar illnesses. And when it comes to depression, people are wary […]

http://karenwriteshere.com/2014/11/30/you-dont-need-empathy-to-support-a-depressed-person/

Automation in Public loo’s

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So I don’t usually moan, I’m your “it is what it is kind of guy” in fact I’m your it is what it is but how does it work and what’s the engineering involved in it kinda guy . . . . . But!

This year, I’ve been lucky enough to travel out to Las Vegas to get married. Whilst out there I did of course have the need to visit the odd public loo, or “Restroom” as they seemed to be called in america. Not sure why, I did not feel the need to take a rest in one. Now, I’m not singling out the US because more and more in the UK we find automation. Taps, hand dryer’s, flusher’s etc etc. But they did seem to be on everything out there.

Now I totally understand, especially in a public restroom’s why the need for less people to share is a priority. Some of the bogs I’ve been into in my time you need to wipe your feet on the way out. I’m reminded of the toilet in trainspotting as I type this.

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But here’s the thing, this automation, it has to work and It has to work well, and it has to work first time. I found myself flapping, waving, jumping up and down, you name it I tried it. As a bloke in the loo there is a certain protocol involved in going for a wee wee. You get in, you don’t talk to anyone, you get out! So to be forced to stand at a sink waving your hands back and forth in order to try and get water out or soap or some air to dry your hands is not ideal. You wave your hand water comes on, you go to wash your hands the water goes off, wave hands, nothing . . . .  go to turn away water comes on. Arrrrggggghhhhhhhhh. I still prefer the idea of automation in toilets it just needs to work please.