Stunning backdrop and a stunning lady, fab day all round. A place and day I will always take myself to in times of strife and reflection.
Stunning backdrop and a stunning lady, fab day all round. A place and day I will always take myself to in times of strife and reflection.
Ok I need to step up here and post every day, even if it’s just a little bit here and there, I need to get into the habit of writing. I’ll never get my book written if I can’t keep a little blog like this going. I can’t believe it’s been since sept since I last put blog to print. Xmas, a two year old and a part time job have ruled my life since September and foolishly I’ve not taken time out for myself. In fact, because of a whining, moaning, shouting, screaming little girl ( who I do love of course ) I’ve not been able to take any time out for myself. If I’m not with poppy I’m generally working, trying to get a very good business I work for, off the ground and into the big leagues. I rarely sleep past half five in the morning and that alone is enough to make any grown man cry. Any way I must not complain, it’s not good for my Karma. ( but still )
So I’ll try to add something every day even if it’s just a quick post. Hoping that I will get some space to put pen to paper and make sense of my service days enough to get some blogging material out of them.
I would like to do a post about the depression that sits with me nearly every day, and try and make sense of why me, and how I’m coping or not coping as the case may be without medication or “drugs”. I try and live every day with out looking towards the next, but trust me that’s hard when you feel that your life is on hold waiting for children to grow up. This of course conflicts with my desire to love every min, but damn it’s hard.
So here it goes, a blog every day. I can do it!
So, its been a few days now of no Tramadol at all and its killing me. I’m writing this as I wasn’t told of just how bad it was going to be coming of this tiny little pill. I was on a lot as well. I was taking up to 15 – 20 a day at my worst, far more than I should have been taking, but when your the size of a tank like me and in extreme pain you’ll do anything. I had built up a tolerance to the drug over time and it just wasn’t working so I had to just keep taking more and more. I took as many as I dare to without tripping a seizure. Must have been on them well over a year and a half. So they worked fine, I didn’t get high on them other than in the first week, I was never addicted to the side affects only the fact that they stopped the pain. Of course the longer you take them for the harder it is to stop.
Its taken me months and months of slowly reducing my dose in order to get where I am this week. Months of taking just one pill less and then clucking for a week till its out the system. Its been a few days of none now and I’m cracking up, I started to think perhaps something else was going on but a quick search of the net shows me I may have another two to three weeks of this till its over.
Restless legs syndrome is the worst thing about it. The spasm builds for ages before snapping a leg like an electric shock has been fired through it. You try and stop the spasm when you feel it building so already you start to move you leg consciously before the big uncontrollable movement kicks in. Body aches like mad, chills, sweats, arms feel like they are on fire, not just a feeling, actually feel like they are on fire. I’m reminded of the cold turkey scene in train-spotting, minus the baby! I’m trying to just ignore it and pretend its not happening. The longer it goes on of course the harder that is. All things considered I’d like to think that most people won’t even realise what’s going on with me as the more distracted I am the better it is.
So if your put on it for whatever then sure, use it if its better than the pain your in but please please remember to maybe stop for a few days every week in order to prevent the horrendous come down, <— not sure if this works, or no matter how much you feel you need don’t take more than prescribed. Just except that they are working and you would be worse off with out them. *twitch twitch spasm . . . . . arrrrggghhhhhhh!!
Handy man? removal man? Nope, I’m seriously loving being self employed and making my own money but its not what I want to do forever. Plus I’m not making any where near the money I wanted to. Don’t get me wrong money does not rule my world at all. I hate the stuff and what it is, but we need it, my kids need it, my fiancée needs it!! I need a little bit as well.
So plans are in motion, I got several things in my head and several possibility’s but its got to be enjoyable, fun and more importantly viable. I’m done publishing my ideas though. Me and Lisa had plans to get into sign language, we really went down the road as well, but in the end it was too much risk up front and we simply couldn’t afford to risk the money. So they are all staying private until we get them off the ground. Well some of them, some of them will remain private because much as I like sharing my life to you all, its good to keep some things back, and then some of them are just too naughty to publish anyway.
I want more than anything to work with Lisa, I love her with all my heart and feel at my best when I’m in her company. Lisa however has a Career, a very good career but one that’s far from ideal for us and I’m sure she would love to leave. But you can’t just walk away from a good career, especially when your the main earner. Then I got two excellent mates that I call my brothers that I would also love to work with, one has also got a career. One has got the C word!!!! Children, two of them. So his hands are tied like mine.
So what do you do?? Dunno, its tough, I suppose that if I was in possession of a nice lump sum of money my choices would get far far easier and I would make a go of something. If I won a lot of money then life would get seriously more easy. Don’t get me wrong I’m not under the illusion that money brings you happiness, far from it. I’m a trainee Buddhist, I know it wont. But I would be able to do so much good with that money you wouldn’t believe, for starters it would buy me time and freedom. Time and freedom from the responsibility’s of this western world I was born into that would enable me to help so many people. Sounds like Bull I know but I seriously can’t think of anything I’d rather do. I’ve always loved helping others and have always been good at it.
I enjoyed my brief experience of personal protection, but unless you have done a stint out of the civil sector or you already have a well know client on board your not really taken seriously. Even so I would love to get back into it one day.
Teaching, yes, teaching self defence now that’s got my interest plus I’ve got a public service background in it. Again it takes money and serious time, but that’s well and truly on the cards and I’ve got some ideas. However my back needs serious time and work to get it back to full strength to enable me to get back on the mats to a point where I could stand before students with confidence.
So my dilemma at the moment is to just keep plodding on until something breaks or changes and to keep chipping away at this and that till I find something I can really make work.
The one thing I don’t miss at all, not in the slightest is watching my life slowly drip drip drip drip away. Clocking on and clocking off working for an employer that couldn’t give a fuck about me and in fact spent every waking minute hell bent in trying to put me and those around me in as much danger as possible. Watching a Job I once really loved being de-skilled away to just tapping away on a keyboard doing a worthless task and turning keys in big heavy doors. In fact most of my last years wages of £28 odd grand went on me standing around and watching prisoners collect free medicine three times a day from a hatch and watching the same said prisoners wander round and round and round an excersie yard. Knowing full well that if anything happened, like they past drugs or summit we were helpless to do anything about it because the governors wanted everything hush hush. Drugs being found meant there were gangs, gangs brought organised problems, organised problems meant government targets were not being met, un-met targets meant governors lost there jobs or were moved to the Russian front. Oh no wait, that was the Nazis . . . . . but similar. They were shouted at and harassed and lost sucky la la brownie points. Most of the governors I worked for in the end were all so petrified of loosing these brown nose points that they would literally sell their soul in front of your very eyes in order to get things covered over. In fact that right wasn’t just left to Governors, people I called friends sold me out for no other reason than to make sure they scored a B point here and there. In fact one of them was someone I called a brother.
I’ve only got 11 people I felt close enough to in my life so far to say that they were real brothers in my life. We were In the big fight all working together against the same enemy etc etc, these are men I dedicated my life too. If I call you my brother then I’m there for you 24 hours a day 7 days a week. You and your family, I do anything for you, whatever you asked, whenever you asked it. You are an honoury family member but someone I would fight along side with and if you said jump I would have already jumped before asking how high. I still remain that person to my brothers where ever you are but now the list is 7. One of those men who I respected and looked up to decided to become a Frenemie! He decided even tho I felt I did everything in my power to protect him, In fact my first thought always went to making sure he was covered whilst dealing with my injury, he decided to turn in secret and stab me in my back on an email he never thought I would see. But luckily for me I did see it! Cut me to my core, but I’m glad I saw that email, else I probably wouldn’t know to this day what he was doing.
Things like that hurt like hell, I’m not pretending it doesn’t. I got thick skin, very thick. Most shit just rolls away, but when you’ve put your neck out there in someone’s hands that you trust with your life and they completely go out of their way to unnecessarily make a point of furthering their own career with bosses that couldn’t give a whatnot about you. That’s when life gives you a little nudge to say, “oi oi fella, your not as clever as you thought are you”.
So mark it up on the board, another life experience and lets move on . . . . . . but where next?? Where next indeed??
So this blogging lark takes up some time. Don’t get me wrong it’s time I want to spend, but at the moment I’m just reading. Reading everyone else’s bloggs on word press, which is “brilliant” . . . . . . . but its not getting mine done. Like I said, I’m not a natural reader, but that doesn’t stop me wanting to be. The problem is not rocket science, I live with a beautiful baby girl, my daughter Poppy who’s nearly two. I live in a spacious enough house but its not got a study or a space for study so space is overtaken by, well Poppy!! My time outside work is taken up with, yup you got it, Poppy!
I’m hoping I’m not alone when I say “Its impossible to write with kids about” Seriously time consuming and seriously annoying!! I’m not afraid to say that!
What else do I do at the min that’s time consuming, well I run my own small business as an Odd job man mainly to supplement me being a full time dad and also to keep my head active. Money is short since I left the prison service so anything I can do to help out whilst looking after Poppy is a big help. In fact I need more of it, but don’t we all. I’m doing OK to be honest, getting more work than I could handle at one point but its all a learning curve and as I’m just starting out I’m learning some early lessons. On top of my handy man business which trades under the name of Di4Y Solutions by the way, find us on facebook!! I’m also working as a removal man. I started doing removals when I worked in the prison service as a good friend started his own removal business and I loved it. So when I saw an advert on facebook looking for a self employed removal porter I knew I wanted it. Removals come in anywhere from nine in one week to none, so I’m never sure from week to week where I’ll be but that also helps my particular lifestyle and child care issues. So in-between all of this I have tools to sort out, bins to put out blah blah blaaahhh!! Oh and my hobbies, of which I now have very few due to my current health situation. I miss them all, MMA, Judo, Brazilian Jiu jitsu, rolling, weights, CV, unarmed combat, self defence. Teaching . . . . . . . grrrrrrrr I miss it all, I’m confident however, I will be back. My back injury is a constant, it moulds everything I do, controls my every waking min. I’m currently just this week off my Tramadol’s after spending months trying to get the little addictive bastards. Its been hell, and I’m still not sure I’m in the clear yet.
Xbox . . . . . . . . . . . . . hmmmmmmm yeah I know, a naughty one but never the less its a pastime I really enjoy. I’ve played shoot em ups for years even playing seriously at one point from my PC with my brothers from the US. Its a pastime I really don’t get to do these days as I consider time with my daughter as far more important.
The only real quality time I have is in the evenings and that is obviously taken up with my equally gorgeous girlfriend Lisa and food! So I need to get my head around the fact of steeling myself away somewhere at some point to get some head space in order to write. That’s up to me of course but I just need to get into that habit. You may have to bear with me as this second blog shows in nearly a month gap. In fact to my surprise today I was asked about my blog and where a new one was. I wasn’t really expecting that. In fact she said she thought she had missed it because it had been so long. Hmph not good enough Chaz! I may be a long way from being taken seriously in writing circles but I may have underestimated that my story may be of interest to some people and if your going to start something then bloody well start it and see it through. Especially if that something is something you want to do. So simply put I would love more time to myself for reading and music and writing and stuff, so its up to me to make it happen. I’ll keep my notebook handy and I’ll write in it whenever I can. When I got a bit down on paper that makes any sense I’ll get it blogged up, pronto. Too-gever we will see where this takes us.
So reading other blogs I find that some of the most interesting one’s are about something in general. A little story for example or an article. However speaking today to my unexpected reader its also apparent that someone will read my blog to find out about a person from a social point of view, a general human interest. So I’m just going to write about whatever takes my fancy and hopefully my memory will be good enough to remember some of the seriously funny moments in my life. These will of cousre be at the expense of some of my friends, especially in the service. I may have to do some research and get some of the lads together and have a night re living the good old days.
So to wrap it up, less facebook, less TV, more notebook, more research! . . . . . . . . win the lottery.
If its good enough for stephen fry then its good enough for me, blogging, that is to log stuff on the web as I’ve just discovered! Web/log . . . . Blog. Didn’t know that but I thought before I started I should do some research as all good writers should! Let me explain tho, I’m not a writer. Never been that good at gramma c!
In fact if it wasn’t for Facebook I really wouldn’t have a clue about most things relating to written word. Bit of a white Lie of course as I feel my mum cringing as she reads this.
I’ve always liked reading but never been that good at it! It takes a seriously good book to grab my attention long enough to read all the way through, however many have succeeded. I’m told I don’t need to be that good really. The modern iPhone has very good auto correct and access to web means I can research most other things. I’m a good solid learner with no ego or pre judgmental ideas about learning. Which means I soak up new data well. Retaining it is a whole other story for another day. Truth is I just lack a bit of something upstairs which has hindered me most my life but what I lacked in that I excelled in common sense. So I know a little about a bit and that mixed with a bit of common sense and a lot of life experience! I mean a lot, I’ve started a blog. Already without having a clue what I was going to talk about I’ve waffled on for a couple of paragraphs. So here’s to a new adventure in print and blogging and moving on from my micro blogging on Facebook and twitter! Lets get this blog on the road!
So why is it a new adventure then, some of you won’t know me of course. Some of you won’t realise the terrible / joyful / hard / easy / painful twists my life just took in the last few years. Those who are my social friends on Facebook know only to well my ups and downs as I’ve flooded their timelines with most of it since day one of joining up. But to you the new reader ill start by just giving an over view of what’s gone before.
I was a prison officer for ten years, then “they” started to mess things around and screw with honest hard working genuine people. I hated that, and so slowly but surely fought back “they” hated that even more. Stress, hatred, fear, all welled up boredom also sank in. I got injured in the line of duty, and a stupid training course I shouldn’t have been on. Then they picked on me, bullied me. I dragged it out and played their silly game until I couldn’t take any more, I then left the job (medically retired) I loved, and the people I loved and also hated some of them! I found out some people were stabbing me in the back and life hit rock bottom during all of this. I was paralysed with my injury. It was a long long long recovery, still going on to this day. My daughter who is two this year, my beautiful girlfriend and my two sons and of course my very closest friends and family saved my life. I had something to do with saving my life as well however. I allowed, as I do, everybody in. Not easy when your on the bottom and you were on the top. But life has taught me to be honest and it worked. Wow that really was the short version, but I’m sure ill go over stuff as this goes on. It’s a start.
So is any one going to read this or am I talking to myself, I don’t give what’s-it either way. Call it therapy for me. I got loads in my head that I’ve been through that prob could do with coming out. Death, Suicide, death more deaths, my suicidal thoughts, parents splitting up, selling drugs, takin drugs, arresting thousands of shoplifters, fighting most of them, friends, enemy’s, the doors, the fights, wrongful arrest, becoming an officer, the challenges, new friends, the fights, the deaths, the long training, the riots, the fights, the challenges, the deaths!! Loss!! Loosing faith gaining knowledge, gaining inspiration, awakening to what’s really going on in this world, finding a little man who lived 2500 years ago called Buddha, and having the strength to be different and not give a damn what people think. Wow that’s a lot! Still here? I know my mum is, that’s her job. So lets blog! Lets get some stuff out my head and let’s start this new life together, well its a few months old already but your here any way. It won’t all be about me, but it will be me talking and putting my spin on stuff and trying to make sense of it all, and if my phone crashes now none of this will ever see the light of day!! You better hold on d . . . .