Reading Ray Bradbury

Its suddenly occurred to me that in my want to become a writer…… well even that statement seems odd now I have typed it out. Do i want to be a writer or do I want to write? It’s occurred to me, suddenly, whilst reading up on writing and writers, that I am so busy wanting to be a writer because something inside me has a yearning for it, that I’ve suddenly realised that I don’t actually want to write a novel. I’ve not got a good story in me, no big idea, no character I want to develop, nothing. So where does that leave me? I still want to write so i guess I must just follow the advice in the books I’m reading and just keep on writing. Get my blogs down, get my ideas down, develop a daily writing practice, read and read some more, all the things that as time goes on I’m enjoying more and more.

The joy I’ve just got from having discovered Ray Bradbury and reading the Magic he creates with his words, his ability to form a sentence like I would never dream of doing, has cemented my appreciation of writing and story telling that I never got when i was growing up. Reading was always such a chore and it never appealed to me which is why this is all a bit of a surprise to me now. I’ll not rule out never writing that elusive novel, as life is full of surprises, but perhaps I should look into the journalist route and write articles or investigate something and write this up, or write about my life in previous jobs….. I’m not sure, but its clear, I’ve not really thought this through for a long while. Is that a problem? No I don’t think so. Reading as I am now, about lots of successful writers it’s apparent to me that none of them really had a plan, they just wrote because thats what they wanted to do and i should just stop making excuses and get on with writing what comes into my head. More importantly, as many writers say, just write and write for yourself, doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I may have started this blog a long time ago under the pretense that I didn’t care if anyone read it, it would remain for my eyes only if necessary, but deep down, I suppose it does bother me slightly, what people might be thinking. When you have spent your life not being very creative in the arts world, to suddenly be creating a peice of work that will be judged and have opinion cast upon it, it’s a big learning curve for me. I’m over that now though. I’m just going to put some work out there and see where it takes me. You never know, I’m always surprised by the many twists and turns life has had in store for me, and I desperately need a hobby outside of work and family and kids, something i can dive into and take myself out of reality for a while. Pre my back injury, that was training, and martial arts of all sorts, but over the past few years and all my health problems this is becoming a more and more distant memory, of another almost forgotten past.

So in tribute to my new found love of Ray Bradbury (he’s the first person to ever get me to read and love poetry by the way ) I have just poured my unconscious out here without really checking, and now without proof reading with my limited knowledge of grammar, I’m just going to publish this, and to hell with it.

Publish…… go on…. stop pretending you’re just going to do it, and do it. Press publish

PRESS IT!!

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…. some time later

I’ve been away haven’t I?

Ok brief post, I have another son, Kip. He’s nearly a year old! More on that in a bit!

This year will be make or break for me on a this blogging lark! I enjoy it, but like I’ve said, life is bloody busy.

In a nut shell, I’ve been diagnosed with two chronic conditions, one of which is proving to be a right git to manage, had another lovely son, moved house, been back to that dark place, got stressed and pulled my back, again, oh, and got that really bad flu that everyone seemed to get.

With all this going on I’ve had little chance to write. Plenty of life stuff to fill my minds notebook with however. Plus I’ve decided to read more, which I’m really enjoying.

Going forward I either do this or I don’t, but if I don’t then it’s going! So let’s see, no more promises. I just need to make time for it or not.

Automation in Public loo’s

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So I don’t usually moan, I’m your “it is what it is kind of guy” in fact I’m your it is what it is but how does it work and what’s the engineering involved in it kinda guy . . . . . But!

This year, I’ve been lucky enough to travel out to Las Vegas to get married. Whilst out there I did of course have the need to visit the odd public loo, or “Restroom” as they seemed to be called in america. Not sure why, I did not feel the need to take a rest in one. Now, I’m not singling out the US because more and more in the UK we find automation. Taps, hand dryer’s, flusher’s etc etc. But they did seem to be on everything out there.

Now I totally understand, especially in a public restroom’s why the need for less people to share is a priority. Some of the bogs I’ve been into in my time you need to wipe your feet on the way out. I’m reminded of the toilet in trainspotting as I type this.

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But here’s the thing, this automation, it has to work and It has to work well, and it has to work first time. I found myself flapping, waving, jumping up and down, you name it I tried it. As a bloke in the loo there is a certain protocol involved in going for a wee wee. You get in, you don’t talk to anyone, you get out! So to be forced to stand at a sink waving your hands back and forth in order to try and get water out or soap or some air to dry your hands is not ideal. You wave your hand water comes on, you go to wash your hands the water goes off, wave hands, nothing . . . .  go to turn away water comes on. Arrrrggggghhhhhhhhh. I still prefer the idea of automation in toilets it just needs to work please.

Time to blog!

Ok I need to step up here and post every day, even if it’s just a little bit here and there, I need to get into the habit of writing. I’ll never get my book written if I can’t keep a little blog like this going. I can’t believe it’s been since sept since I last put blog to print. Xmas, a two year old and a part time job have ruled my life since September and foolishly I’ve not taken time out for myself. In fact, because of a whining, moaning, shouting, screaming little girl ( who I do love of course ) I’ve not been able to take any time out for myself. If I’m not with poppy I’m generally working, trying to get a very good business I work for, off the ground and into the big leagues. I rarely sleep past half five in the morning and that alone is enough to make any grown man cry. Any way I must not complain, it’s not good for my Karma. ( but still )

So I’ll try to add something every day even if it’s just a quick post. Hoping that I will get some space to put pen to paper and make sense of my service days enough to get some blogging material out of them.

I would like to do a post about the depression that sits with me nearly every day, and try and make sense of why me, and how I’m coping or not coping as the case may be without medication or “drugs”. I try and live every day with out looking towards the next, but trust me that’s hard when you feel that your life is on hold waiting for children to grow up. This of course conflicts with my desire to love every min, but damn it’s hard.

So here it goes, a blog every day. I can do it!

Coming off Tramadol

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So, its been a few days now of no Tramadol at all and its killing me. I’m writing this as I wasn’t told of just how bad it was going to be coming of this tiny little pill. I was on a lot as well. I was taking up to 15 – 20 a day at my worst, far more than I should have been taking, but when your the size of a tank like me and in extreme pain you’ll do anything. I had built up a tolerance to the drug over time and it just wasn’t working so I had to just keep taking more and more. I took as many as I dare to without tripping a seizure. Must have been on them well over a year and a half. So they worked fine, I didn’t get high on them other than in the first week, I was never addicted to the side affects only the fact that they stopped the pain. Of course the longer you take them for the harder it is to stop.

Its taken me months and months of slowly reducing my dose in order to get where I am this week. Months of taking just one pill less and then clucking for a week till its out the system. Its been a few days of none now and I’m cracking up, I started to think perhaps something else was going on but a quick search of the net shows me I may have another two to three weeks of this till its over.

Restless legs syndrome is the worst thing about it. The spasm builds for ages before snapping a leg like an electric shock has been fired through it. You try and stop the spasm when you feel it building so already you start to move you leg consciously before the big uncontrollable movement kicks in. Body aches like mad, chills, sweats, arms feel like they are on fire, not just a feeling, actually feel like they are on fire. I’m reminded of the cold turkey scene in train-spotting, minus the baby! I’m trying to just ignore it and pretend its not happening. The longer it goes on of course the harder that is. All things considered I’d like to think that most people won’t even realise what’s going on with me as the more distracted I am the better it is.

So if your put on it for whatever then sure, use it if its better than the pain your in but please please remember to maybe stop for a few days every week in order to prevent the horrendous come down, <— not sure if this works, or no matter how much you feel you need don’t take more than prescribed. Just except that they are working and you would be worse off with out them. *twitch twitch spasm . . . . . arrrrggghhhhhhh!!

What the future hold’s

Handy man? removal man? Nope, I’m seriously loving being self employed and making my own money but its not what I want to do forever. Plus I’m not making any where near the money I wanted to. Don’t get me wrong money does not rule my world at all. I hate the stuff and what it is, but we need it, my kids need it, my fiancée needs it!! I need a little bit as well.

So plans are in motion, I got several things in my head and several possibility’s but its got to be enjoyable, fun and more importantly viable. I’m done publishing my ideas though. Me and Lisa had plans to get into sign language, we really went down the road as well, but in the end it was too much risk up front and we simply couldn’t afford to risk the money. So they are all staying private until we get them off the ground. Well some of them, some of them will remain private because much as I like sharing my life to you all, its good to keep some things back, and then some of them are just too naughty to publish anyway.

I want more than anything to work with Lisa, I love her with all my heart and feel at my best when I’m in her company. Lisa however has a Career, a very good career but one that’s far from ideal for us and I’m sure she would love to leave. But you can’t just walk away from a good career, especially when your the main earner. Then I got two excellent mates that I call my brothers that I would also love to work with, one has also got a career. One has got the C word!!!! Children, two of them. So his hands are tied like mine.

So what do you do?? Dunno, its tough, I suppose that if I was in possession of a nice lump sum of money my choices would get far far easier and I would make a go of something. If I won a lot of money then life would get seriously more easy. Don’t get me wrong I’m not under the illusion that money brings you happiness, far from it. I’m a trainee Buddhist, I know it wont. But I would be able to do so much good with that money you wouldn’t believe, for starters it would buy me time and freedom. Time and freedom from the responsibility’s of this western world I was born into that would enable me to help so many people. Sounds like Bull I know but I seriously can’t think of anything I’d rather do. I’ve always loved helping others and have always been good at it.

I enjoyed my brief experience of personal protection, but unless you have done a stint out of the civil sector or you already have a well know client on board your not really taken seriously. Even so I would love to get back into it one day.

Teaching, yes, teaching self defence now that’s got my interest plus I’ve got a public service background in it. Again it takes money and serious time, but that’s well and truly on the cards and I’ve got some ideas. However my back needs serious time and work to get it back to full strength to enable me to get back on the mats to a point where I could stand before students with confidence.

So my dilemma at the moment is to just keep plodding on until something breaks or changes and to keep chipping away at this and that till I find something I can really make work.

The one thing I don’t miss at all, not in the slightest is watching my life slowly drip drip drip drip away. Clocking on and clocking off working for an employer that couldn’t give a fuck about me and in fact spent every waking minute hell bent in trying to put me and those around me in as much danger as possible. Watching a Job I once really loved being de-skilled away to just tapping away on a keyboard doing a worthless task and turning keys in big heavy doors. In fact most of my last years wages of £28 odd grand went on me standing around and watching prisoners collect free medicine three times a day from a hatch and watching the same said prisoners wander round and round and round an excersie yard. Knowing full well that if anything happened, like they past drugs or summit we were helpless to do anything about it because the governors wanted everything hush hush. Drugs being found meant there were gangs, gangs brought organised problems, organised problems meant government targets were not being met, un-met targets meant governors lost there jobs or were moved to the Russian front. Oh no wait, that was the Nazis . . . . . but similar. They were shouted at and harassed and lost sucky la la brownie points. Most of the governors I worked for in the end were all so petrified of loosing these brown nose points that they would literally sell their soul in front of your very eyes in order to get things covered over. In fact that right wasn’t just left to Governors, people I called friends sold me out for no other reason than to make sure they scored a B point here and there. In fact one of them was someone I called a brother.
I’ve only got 11 people I felt close enough to in my life so far to say that they were real brothers in my life. We were In the big fight all working together against the same enemy etc etc, these are men I dedicated my life too. If I call you my brother then I’m there for you 24 hours a day 7 days a week. You and your family, I do anything for you, whatever you asked, whenever you asked it. You are an honoury family member but someone I would fight along side with and if you said jump I would have already jumped before asking how high. I still remain that person to my brothers where ever you are but now the list is 7. One of those men who I respected and looked up to decided to become a Frenemie! He decided even tho I felt I did everything in my power to protect him, In fact my first thought always went to making sure he was covered whilst dealing with my injury, he decided to turn in secret and stab me in my back on an email he never thought I would see. But luckily for me I did see it! Cut me to my core, but I’m glad I saw that email, else I probably wouldn’t know to this day what he was doing.

Things like that hurt like hell, I’m not pretending it doesn’t. I got thick skin, very thick. Most shit just rolls away, but when you’ve put your neck out there in someone’s hands that you trust with your life and they completely go out of their way to unnecessarily make a point of furthering their own career with bosses that couldn’t give a whatnot about you. That’s when life gives you a little nudge to say, “oi oi fella, your not as clever as you thought are you”.

So mark it up on the board, another life experience and lets move on . . . . . . but where next?? Where next indeed??